Be Still My Beating Heart

I am starting to get that aching feeling in my heart as my son’s first birthday approaches and I realize he is growing up too fast.  I have little private tears when he refuses to be held and races off in the opposite direction when I ask him to come see his mama.  I smother him with kisses and he fights me off but I take the punch in the eye and the kick in the ribs just to get a few more in.  Soon I will have to bravely say goodbye to him as I go back to work and not let him see my broken heart.  Then one day he will be off to school and someone will tell him Santa Claus isn’t real.  He will encounter bullies and have influences that will test his true character.  He will have his little heart broken and it will take everything in me not to childishly tell her she doesn’t deserve him then!  He will be invited to parties that I am not invited to and I will not be allowed to come to the door to pick him up because that would embarrass him.  He will drive off in a car and my hair will gradually turn white while I anxiously wait for his safe return.  He will make poor choices and get grounded for the rest of his life.  He will take chances and we will support him every step of the way.  He will move out and his father will have to lure me out of a dark hole with chocolate.  He will be independent and my poor heart will once again ache for him to be a baby again.

My son’s approaching birthday has me thinking of the big picture and how we will prepare him for life. What kind of friend will he be?  What kind of a husband will he be?  What kind of a father will he be? These questions will eventually be answered as he grows up. My husband and I are his role models and what we teach him will determine so much of who he will become.  My son is my beating heart and I want to be the best person I can be for him.  

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